It Will Rain

I have a lot on my mind which will hopefully be released in this posting.

I'll admit, my blog is supposed to be fun and games most of the time, and my posts are usually lighthearted sentences full of laughter. Not tonight. (well, at least the paragraphs following the next).

I had this hilarious convo with Zach on my redbull and vodka night, lol. It was so funny, cuz I was saying something about how I've only had one amazing, fireworks kiss in my 22 years. And he was like, well if the guys thought they were getting ass afterwards, then maybe the kisses would be hotter. It was really funny. I'll keep that in mind, lol.

I left work early and drove to Woodbury Commons last week. It made me so happy to just do something spontaneous and drive for awhile on my own, to another state. It definitely shows that I still have that spark...

I cried so much at church today. It used to be that I would get dizzy and hot when the holy spirit came upon me. But all that's changed. It's so different now. It's like, when I feel the holy spirit, and I get in His presence, it's just so much, so overwhelming. It's like it's so overwhelming, I can't take all of the love, and I start crying. During Pastor Brian's sermon, the tears will threaten to spill, but then I'll be like, no don't do it, there's all these people around you. But by the end, it's like He's wearing on my heart, and I finally just stop fighting it and I let His love envelope me. I was prayed upon today too, and Pastor Brian asked God to bless me.

Anyways, I've been going through a "valley" as Pastor Brian preached about today. I can't stress how difficult these past few weeks have been for me. And it's not about school being stressful or anything. It just hasn't been the best time for me.

When I get in these moods, it makes me re-evaluate my life. And I know some of the reasons why I'm in such a bad mood right now. I just need to learn how to shrug the negative people off and just do my thing. I hate it when people feel they have a right to doubt why you're doing something, and I think that it occurs because they're insecure about their own situation.

Anyways, onto the re-evaluating my life. I was upset, thinking that I had made the wrong choice. But I'm here for a reason, one of which is blatantly revealed to me daily. I'm trying to get used to it all. It is so hard just being known as Alisha the I/O psychologist. I mean, that's just one freakin facet of me. What about the Alisha that wants to be a world class photographer? Or the Alisha that dreams of dancing in an Egyptian club? The Alisha who wants to be supreme in service to all mankind and do EVERY single sorority activity? But most of all, the Alisha that wants to learn 5000 kanji and read classic novels in Japanese? Where have they all gone? Are they all sitting here rotting while this I/O shell of an Alisha does what she has to do so she can get out there and wear cute business suits everyday? And if I'm feeling this way now, am I ever going to ADORE what I'm doing? No, the truth is that I really truly do love the fact that I'm going to be making a difference for the minorities in the workplace. That makes me elated, knowing that I'm going to push for affirmative action in the workplace, and that I am going to be successful in this field. But I want to do it all, I can't just abandon all of my dreams to follow one. Sigh, I could always make a plan. Focus on mergers in Japan and the Middle East. Practice the Japanese on business trips, and extend the trips to the middle east so I can dance, lol. And make a black and white photo montage in the process.

And I think that with all of my activities, I would like to squash those stereotypes that can only be fostered through ignorance. For example, the belly dancer must be a whore because she's attempting to entice/ seduce a man. Have I EVER attempted to seduce anyone through belly dancing? (Ya'll know I have other ways, lol, joking!). Or that the virgin has to be boring. Let me tell you, that is such bs. Cuz I know lots that are actually more interesting and have more lively imaginations than the non V's. I mean, I'm not going to sit and do nothing, because I would die of unhappiness if I was like that. Probably the biggest stereotype that needs to be squashed is that the single girl is unhappily single. That is not the case. Not every single girl is sad and pining for a boyfriend, any boyfriend. Those single girls settle, and I think that's sad. I mean, I have morals and I have standards (like hotties, lol). And yes, I do have a longstanding crush on Zeus, but that's about it. It's still fun playing the field, and I'm still amazed at the things I did senior year.

Urgh, I wonder if this is all making sense. I'm just tired of the people that tick me off. But I've also had a rough few weeks, and I feel like I've been on an emotional rollercoaster.

I think that people are tested to become more self aware. Like, God humbles me not to be mean, but because I need to be humbled. I can't skate through life with the belief that everything's perfect and I get everything that I want. God has blessed me so much, has saved me from the suffering that I know a lot of other people have undergone. And I'm really thankful for that. But a person can't move to higher elevations in their Christianity if life is always picture perfect. If persistence always pays off. If motivation always pays off. Jesus always said that it's extremely hard for a rich man to go to heaven. But do we really stop to think why it is? Because the rich man has never had it rough. Like, disadvantaged people always have strong faith, because the only person that they can count on in their lives is God. So this rough patch, this "valley" is only going to make me stronger in the long run.